Itchy & Scratchy

I always feel really vulnerable when I am at the checkout line.  I am a huge fan of self-checkouts that are moving into a store near you, because they sure aren't anywhere near me.  I found myself at a grocery store today with my vulnerability on the conveyor belt for all to see.  Finding the shortest line at the grocery store for me is not about saving time.  It is alllllll about privacy! The less people in a line the less witnesses.  However, the plastic baton of separation showed me today that I could look beyond my current yellow cheese themed section of the conveyor belt to see others in their struggle.  I was so focused on myself that I didn't even notice the items in front of me until they were being waved in my face.  This lady suddenly whipped around and shouted at me, "Do you know if this 'Itch & Rash Cream' really works?" while flailing the generic tube in my face.  My first problem here is that in one quick glance I apparently convey that I have or had an itch or rash that needed medical attention from Dr. Winn Dixie!  The vulnerability level just went WAY up!  I stammered out an "I don't know" as fast as I could in hopes of deterring further conversation.  My hopes were obliterated two seconds later.  She informed me that she just had an itch, not a rash and then moved onto the gossip magazines in front of us.  She forcefully told me that J Lo had it coming to her to be cheated on by a guy so much younger than her.  Then she told me another "fact" from the gossip magazine.  Kate is having twins! The only way to end this was to up the ante.  I see your crazy and I raise you a schizophrenic.  I just went for it, "Well ma'am I really don't like to talk about Kate because she stole my man.  I was dating Billy,  (wink) William in college before she ever did.  Just because I got a little itch he went running.  Let's just say it is a sore subject for me." 

Ok maybe I did not say that...maybe I got distracted by the fact that this whole situation was actually happening. I love senior citizens, and this one started with an itch and ended with me scratching my head?!

Blessings & Short Grocery Lines

Two Funny: 
The Queen of Comedy, Lisa Belluomini
&
The First Lady of Comedy, DeAnn Alaine

Pedicure Confessional

What happens in Vegas ends up in the Salon. The salon is basically an aesthetically pleasing Catholic church confessional.  Look at the astounding evidence...The people that work there are dressed all in black. There is music whether you like it or not. The workers are paid to listen to you whether they like it or not.  They always have wine, even before noon!  So today, I went to get a pedicure and I partook in the wine before noon!  I figured I was already in the confessional, so I would just save some time by putting my dirty deed right in front of the clergy member. This little piggy had wine and this little piggy felt fine, alllllll the way home!  Even my MOM is not beyond a confession. She sold out my brother for being obsessed with "Saved By the Bell" back in the day and then through herself under the bus saying "I liked it too...I always thought that Mario Lopez was the cutest one." Whoa mom, you don't have to tell them everything!  Even my neighboring pedicurist fessed up that he would chuck his wife in a second if he met Kat Von D, and nobody asked!  Pretty sure his coworker sitting in front of me has some sweet black mail though.  It's like they have a truth serum pumping into the air.  Everyone is susceptible to saying OR doing anything. These other two ladies were so ticklish it was unbelievable that they even came to get pedicures.  I am sure that their family members do not know that they actually pay people to torture them through the art of tickling their feet with a foot scrub?! Pedicurists will get a confession no matter how much scrubbing/tickling it takes. Maybe this whole salon/confessional is really an undercover police sting? Hmm...can you say 21 Jump Street? 

Blessings & Saved By the Bell, 

Two Funny:
The Queen of Comedy, Lisa Belluomini
&
The First Lady of Comedy, DeAnn Alaine