Being Sick Makes Me Cranky, Doctors Make It Worse

Maybe you are like me and you do not like to go to the doctor for whatever reason. I have lots of reasons. I asked my mom recently what the doctor said about the pain she had been having in her hip area. She looked down at the ground and depressed when she explained "He said it is from weight and age." Wow, nothing like going to someone for help and they call you old and fat. Personally, I love my doctor as a person. She has a big heart and cares about people. With that said, I wish I did not have to sit a whole hour in a windowless, virus infested, ugly furniture filled waiting room. Obviously my immune system is already low and now I am in an incubation room for bacteria. I am just about to fall asleep and get a crick in my neck when I hear "Lisa Beljaobimoaidfgm."  Then the inevitable long walk down the hall to the very public scale. I get plenty of time to think about what I have done to make the scale say such mean things during another 30 minute wait in my solitary confinement cell. Suddenly, during that wait the door opened with no warning. An unfamiliar face looked at me and said "Oops, wrong room! I didn't think this was the room."  I was thinking...then why did you come in? I was tired, sick, and cranky what can I say besides thank God I was wearing clothes! Since I had some spare time I started observing my surroundings. I noticed that there was a cotton ball jar and a gauze jar...that were see through as well as labeled cotton and gauze?! I mean this is a doctor's office, usually the decor tries to prove abundant knowledge with degrees and the like. If the doctor is trying to make a decorating statement it should not be with clear glass labeled jars. It makes me worry what else could be confused. (Documented proof from Instagram: 2funnywomen)

Moving on, my doctor comes in with her assistant. My doctor is a tiny, cute, extra tiny little lady. She is a spit fire though. First thing, she MAKES me get on that tissue paper covered table. I felt like a deli ham. Ugh. She takes her black ear/nose magnifier gadget thing and says "I am going to check your nose," and then the next thing I know its in my eye. "That is not my nose," I exclaimed. Maybe I should label my body parts like the cotton and gauze. She says she is gonna give me a z-pack (I don't know if that is the spelling that is just what I heard). That was all done in about one minute. She went right into "Sandy what is her weight now? What was it last time? Did she gain weight?" The scale is out there doc can't we leave it that way. "You need to lose weight. You are gonna have health problems. Lose weight. Are you happy?" You want me to be happy?  Great! Your on my clock doc, my turn. "I have been growing fat weapons I call breasts, come over here so I can suffocate you with them, skinny." That is when she let up and let me go. I went to the doctor to get help. Instead I just got cranky-er!

Blessings & Multi-Vitamins,

The Queen of Comedy, Lisa Belluomini
& 
The First Lady of Comedy, DeAnn Alaine

Samchops...mmm.

Comedy comes from all sorts of inspirations. Such as true events and introspective observations. But this story is all true. As the youngest of 3 daughters I was used as "bait" in different kinds of situations and this time was no exception. My mother worked several jobs and 1 of her jobs was as a secretary/announcer on the radio waaaayyy back in the day. Well, a woman called the station and asked my mother to have this announcement made on the radio, "If you have the means to pick up a lamb for dinner, please call the station." that phone call  NEVER HAPPENED. My mother told the GM, General Manager,  that she just had something urgent come up and she left the station. After picking my sisters and I up from school, she drove up to the top of Strawberry Mountain...I think...and introduced herself. The nice man told her that the family became too attached to the lamb to slaughter. As he is calling for "Sam the Lamb" we heard the sound of a herd of animals running in our general direction. All of a sudden, here comes Sam...THE RAM! My mother said to the gentlman, "I thought you said this was a lamb!!" Sam, a large ram with horns wrapping around his head terrified me, until licking my cheek. It was then that we became acquaintances. We were only prepared for a lamb right? Right. So, we had a simple doggie chain to walk him to our car. Not only were we unprepared for a ram, but our car was a 1980 Datsun...orange...4 door.
With his butt hanging out one window and his head hanging out the other, he proceeded to take a dump on my birthday card. I didn't mind so much about the card...it was the stench that became unbearable. Once we got home we hooked him up to the extended doggie chain. I got to experience several great belly laughs because my sisters kept running away from Sam, which always ended in them getting headbutted. I think Sam was getting them back for me, for all the torturous things they had ever done to their little sister. A few days later mom was back at work and a lady called the station. "KIHR, how may I help you?" this poor lady informed my mother that there was a RAM drinking from her birdbath. Once again, mom picked us up from school and guess who was dangling out the window...for a mile...with a loaf of bread?? ME! Not too much later, we were enjoying Sam the Ramchops.

What kind of funny stories take you back? Let us know at 2funnywomen@gmail.com
You never know...we might use your story for some great comedy!

Blessings and Headbutts,

The First Lady of Comedy, DeAnn Alaine
                               &
The Queen of Comedy, Lisa Belluomini

10 Bucket List Items: Expired

Top 10 Bucket List Items I am Too Old to Complete...

10. Bat Girl-No I am not talking about someone related to Batman.  I always wanted to be a bat girl for the Cleveland Indians MLB team.  You know retrieve the baseball bats after being used. I did worry that I might drift away dreaming about which player was the cutest and then forget to actually do my job, but I guess that isn't a worry now.

9. Dance Aficionado- Let's face it if you want to be a REAL dancer (whatever that means) you better figure it out in the womb.  If you don't start doing that stuff straight out the gate, you are not going to make a living at it. Fail. I've got moves ;)

8. Olympic Gymnast- I didn't want to do the typical gymnastics. I want to do the kind with the props. You know rhythmic gymnastics. I like those ribbons, the hula hoop, bowling pins, and you still get to do the best of the artistic gymnastics...the floor exercise! I would do my routines to all kinds of songs like music from the soundtrack "Save the Last Dance," Misty Edwards, and maybe some Sir Mix A Lot. Like I mentioned earlier...I've got moves ;)

7. Vacation Bible School- Nope I never got to go to VBS, as the cool kids call it. Instead I went to Catholic overnight camp. Jealous? You should be. We did awesome stuff like jump in a mud pit as a cabin and enjoyed public humiliation for not being able to climb "the wall." Life building stuff that you do at every camp...right? Vacation Bible School sounds basically like the same thing just without the sleeping out in the woods among complete strangers miles from civilization.

6. Youngest person to get an Oscar- I don't know who that person officially is because Wikipedia has failed me. The thing I do know is that it was a kid and I am no longer a kid. Some day maybe I will get an Oscar, whether it is in statue form or a Mexican man or the grouch.  Either way I will not be the youngest to achieve this goal. 

5. Disney Star- I love to dance, sing, act drama/comedic, etc all these things you get to do as a Disney star in a safe environment. Now obviously not everything post Disney career is so safe, but it sure is a great training ground to be a quadruple threat.  So what if you also become a menace to society, a drug addict, or end up in rehab. Well, maybe it is good I missed this one. Remember though...I've got moves ;)

4. Miss America- I wanted to be the first Miss America to do comedy for her talent. I did not exactly make it to the Miss America pageant. No I did not miss the limo that was supposed to pick me up. I only made it to the competing level of Miss Family Room. A title that just doesn't quite live up to Miss America. 

3. High School Cheerleader- I went to an all girls school so....

2. Mousketeer- Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Ryan Gosling....talent + training = AMAZING PERFORMING ARTIST! That Disney cruise ship has sailed. For more info see #5

1. Cirque du Soleil- These artists are breathtaking. They can take you on a journey you did not know you could take.  Basically to become an artist in this troupe you must grow up in the circus, dedicate every waking moment to safety and danger, live with ACTUAL animals not family members that seem like animals. Seeing the show is basically like being in it...I will have to do that soon. 

Blessings & Unexpired bucket lists,
Two Funny:
The Queen of Comedy, Lisa Belluomini
&
The First Lady of Comedy, DeAnn Alaine

Working Another Holiday

Holidays are great if you get the day off from work.  However, for many of us for different reasons we end up with our second family on holidays, our coworkers. Much like our family we don't get to choose them, we end up loving them, fighting with them and inevitably trying to survive another holiday.  The only thing that makes it different is you get paid to be with your work family. No matter  how many times you hear that fishing story or  have to pick up the slack for a sleep deprived  party animal...you can leave at the end of it relieved knowing they are not blood related and you were just paid money to deal with them.  Here is what I say if you have to work today or some other holiday jazz it up.  Treat your work family like you do your real family.  Play pranks on them! That is what I do with my real family.  Here are some examples of how I have taken pranks from home to the workplace.  On Easter, when I was in high school I told my 8 yr old cousin that the cake frosting smelled weird and I told her to smell it...to my surprise she did and to her surprise she ended up with cake on her face.  Pun intended.  I took this prank to work with me and at the time I worked scooping ice cream at a baseball park.  My goal that fourth of July was to see how many coworkers I could get "creamed." I ended up having a great holiday with a total of 9 victims.  Creaming the whiny  head chef made it feel like a million.  Happy Independence day no matter where you find yourself.

Blessings & Practical jokes,


Two Funny:
The Queen of Comedy, Lisa Belluomini
&
The First Lady of Comedy, DeAnn Alaine