Getting to know you...

Getting to know people is a part of life. How do we get to know people? We ask questions...like I just did, right there. The funny thing to me is how different people approach the same questions. For example, people generally want to know what you find out on Facebook in the first five seconds. Where do you come from? What is your occupation? Are you in a relationship? Do you have kids? 

Every question I just posed can be asked a million different ways and in a different order. I am going to address how the last two questions have been posed to me lately. 

A coworker asked me, "Why don't you have a baby daddy?" I thought that was an inventive way to ask multiple questions at once. He was finding out if I have kids, a previous relationship, sex out of wedlock, etc. My answer was "...because I don't want a baby daddy, I want a hubby." 

The next interaction began in a similar manner. First question in the question game..."Do you have any kids?" This is getting weird! Why is the first question being asked about kids? Can we ease into this questioning. I mean kids come after a lot of other stuff happens first. Maybe we can use that as a guide, you know take me on a date, propose, get married, then have kids? I mean we are just talking here and I am already knocked up! I like to cater my answers to the individual I am speaking with. My answer this time was, "No this (I pointed to my left and ring finger), no this (I made a pregnant belly motion with my hands and arms)!" After some chatting the next question was "can I have your phone number?" The question after that was, "are you engaged?" Now that is an odd order of questioning, but it reveals a lot about my answer. Your approach to learning about others just might reveal a lot about you! 

Let me ask you a question...

How you doin ;) ?

Blessings & Burping babies (someday),

TwoFunny:

The Queen of Comedy, Lisa Belluomini

                             &

The First Lady of Comedy, DeAnn Alaine

Bus Boo Hoos

Sometimes as a comedian I think of things that are gross...yeah, it happens! But what I'm about to tell you goes beyond gross and into disgusting. Have you ever gone on an extensive trip by way of bus? I have. I thought that I was well prepared for the journey with a bag of clean undies, a fresh shirt and wet wipes...plenty of wet wipes. After the start of the journey, I started hearing the quiet nightmares of bus traveling and I kept thinking, "I'm so glad that I have what I need to stay clean!". Not so much. After the first 24 hours I was so proud to get my bathroom bag and go to the (not so fresh) restroom. After encountering a "man sized" load in the toilet, I wondered if I was in the men's room...nope. Once I found the stall that hadn't been annihilated, I went in and started pulling off my clothes and getting out my wet wipes. I didn't know that after a few applications of deodorant, combined with wet wipe, creates a sticky mess. Not only did my pits stick to my pits but other parts of me was sticking to other parts of me. I felt like a human sticky toy that you slap on a wall and watch it roll down. And then I noticed that all the wet wipes has duckies and rattles on them. That didn't make me feel much better. Not long after I tried to freshen up in the restroom of the bus. That didn't work so well because there was no sink or water to clean with; only hand sanitizer. The area was so cramped that just trying to get into a reasonable position to get to some "not so easy to reach" places was nearly impossible! With one leg on the floor and the other on top of the tampon dispenser, one little bump on the interstate and WHOOSH!!! My foot fell into the hole leading to the nasty blue liquid poop solution. However not one toe touched the oozy goo in the pot. That alone was worth celebrating. YES!! The other thing that we ALL noticed was the airflow of the bus; it was circular. Having a bunch of people on a bus trying to save their "dumps" for the toilet of a real bus station was unreasonable. When one person poops, it's like we all poop and have to deal with the fragrance. It was awful.  So if you ever have to go on a bus trip that is longer than a day, please do yourself a favor and screw the wet wipes. Take some wash cloths, soap, air neutralizer, and...a catheter!!

Blessings and Wet Wipes, Two Funny!

The First Lady of Comedy, DeAnn Alaine
                       &
The Queen of Comedy, Lisa Belluomini

Friendship Week! (starts Mon 8/18)

Monday starts Friendship Week! In honor of that, a friend story! Myself and Jen, or Jenny as my parents still know her as, go waaaaay back to Kindergarten where we met. I being of Italian decent, and with Jen's background being Irish it was inevitable for us to meet in Catholic school...or an organized crime jail cell. Fast forward to high school when I had the privilege of working side by side with Jen at the Cleveland Indians ballpark scooping ice cream, slinging hot dogs, and a big seller getting the drunks to believe dumb stuff. One particular last call, I remember a customer having had extra hops and barley that night. We captivated this guy with the information that Jen and I were twins! Let's just say Jen looks Irish and I look Italian. Our skin tone, eyes, and body types are OPPOSITE! Yes there are fraternal twins, but Jen and I do not look like we even live in the same hemisphere, let alone from the same family. We had this guy staring at us probably through a half of an inning to find the resemblance.  I also remember being so bored at a high school football game that we counted how many old navy puffy vests...over 100 at least.  We also saw our first concert together...Boyz II Men! We always found simple ways to have fun and laugh together. Happy Friendship Week & Happy Birthday Jen!

This is a good time to tell a friend that you are thinking about them!

Blessings & Buddies,

Two Funny:
The Queen of Comedy, Lisa Belluomini

& 

The First Lady of Comedy, DeAnn Alaine

Back to School Empathy

I get back to school empathy anxiety. When I see school supply lists at Walmart I start to tense up. So this post is for students, teachers, and the empathetic veterans. The more people I meet the more I realize how different our experiences. I wore a uniform to school from Kindergarten to Senior year of High School. The one exception was once a year we were all given the privilege of dressing up for PICTURE DAY! This was something everyone looked forward to doing. Picture day seemed like a holiday at my school. I am sure the teachers felt the same way, because we could not accomplish anything in our non-uniform, rogue clothing. I am sure this day was also a nightmare for the photographers. Can you imagine the build-up for a photographer walking into a school with the expectation of capturing the best expression of about 500 kids of all ages one at a time in one day? Just a reminder, their clothes now make them feel like superheros... on red bull. My first grade experience encompassed all of this emotion. It was my first REAL picture day. I was so ready for center stage. I remember being one of the first kids in the school to get my picture taken. I arrived in the giant room with its special lights, gray backdrops, and mini emergency combs. I stood in the short line and then took my place on the magical spinning throne in front of the camera. I was ready! The creative photographer said "Lisa Pizza" to get me to laugh and well he succeeded. One month later the pictures were delivered to our classrooms. We could barely handle the anticipation of waiting for our name to be called. We just had to see our glorious pictures from the day we did not HAVE to wear uniforms. What does that day look like in picture form? Well, lucky for you and not so lucky for me I have the answer to that question. My picture basically says, "I have never heard anyone call me Lisa Pizza before...that is HYSTERICAL!" Upon viewing myself in reaction to "Lisa Pizza" I no longer thought of the photographer as a comedic genius. I have the unique ability to raise one eyebrow at a time. Unfortunately, it was captured at the worst moment possible. I was so frozen with horror that I missed the teacher explain about picture retake day. As if these two personal mishaps together were not enough I also lacked an older sibling. "Lisa" you say, "what does not having an older sibling have to do with anything?" Well the combination of the first two mishaps and the last uncontrollable circumstance leads me to tell you that... no not even my parents knew about picture retake day. When a few kids came to school not in uniform on a certain day and retook their yearbook picture it was like the nightmare was a reoccurring one. Needless to say I never had to participate in picture retake day in future years, because no photographer was going to make a fool out of me again. Past, present, and future picture day photos can find a friend in this yearbook picture disaster. To my classmates next to me in that yearbook...you're welcome! For your viewing pleasure: 

Blessings & Raised Eyebrows (at the appropriate time),

Two Funny:

The Queen of Comedy, Lisa Belluomini

&

The First Lady of Comedy, DeAnn Alaine

Would You Mind Translating...Please?

Connecting with people from other nations is something that I really enjoy. So to communicate I use the translator offered by Google! But I need to ask Google, "Would you please come up with a U.S. translator?" People from the east coast refer to any kind of soda as Coke while people in the north west call soda "Pop" and people in Texas say "soda water". In the south I hear, "plug it up" which really means "plug it in" and "cut it on" means "turn it on". Some dialects of English can only be summed up with the banjo song from Deliverance! But in the end, we're still proud to be Americans. So until next Friday, be sure to cut on your charm, enjoy a soda water, or a pop...when you do, think of Two Funny and don't resist a giggle!

Blessings & Bayou,

The First Lady of Comedy, DeAnn Alaine
                                 &
The Queen of Comedy, Lisa Belluomini